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Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002
2:05 pm - what (am) I (am) dreaming
I don't know. Today may be a bit better than the last, but there is still an uneasiness in my gut. I have been trying to think about what it is I want to dream about, but I am simply unable to think. It's weird, sitting here, trying to figure out what is going on in my brain and not be able to.

I do know that I do not want to be stuck in a place where I get up in the morning, sit down at a desk and punch in things while staring at a computer screen. For all my love of computers, and the wonderful things they do for me, they drive me completely insane. The repetition of the keys, the clickety-clack and the line going so fast down the monitor ... they make me tired, not unlike highway driving. Repetition, dulling of the senses, sleepiness.

I was standing on the stairs this morning, and I came close to falling asleep halfway up. The wallpaper felt so comfortable, but I know that I would have hurt myself if I kept my feet on the ground, so I went into my bed and went back to sleep, ignoring my father and waiting until ten o'clock to start my day.

I wonder about the music that I write, sometimes. When it hits, and it has been, I feel like I'm doing something really interesting, fresh, and not quite IDM or whatever the fuck you want to call it. The downside to this is that buried under the layers of melody and noise, I do not think anyone else but myself is going to have their hairs on their neck stand up. I sent a demo to Orthlong Musork, and they dismissed me, simply telling me it was "pretty." The demo having a track where I scream into the microphone for a minute.

Curious.

But life is entering a repetitive phase now. If only I did not age, I could just go out and sleep and be warm and not deal with life. Wander around and pick up information. Become some semblance of what I want to be, whatever that is.

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Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
12:57 pm - shush
I feel like I am going to cry.

I have been out of school for over a month now, and I am slowly looking for jobs, trying to find something that would remotely intrest me. Something I could find that will make me smile in the morning and not hate life.

I know I have dreams, but I have never been encouraged to follow them. I don't even know what they are anymore. I know I am capable of happiness and laughter (had a really nice afternoon and evening a few days ago), so it's not something clinical as I have been accused of before. Why am I so sad/grumpy/depressed/angry/mean to people? It's not because my seratonin cannot fire, it just has no reason.

Up until this point, my life has been prescribed for me. I went to a good grammar school, went to an excellent prep school and college, knew that I had to do well enough so I could live comfortably later on in life. One of the kids I know is going to be an investment banker for the next two years, working 80-90 hour weeks and making close to a hundred grand a year. We joked about how he was going to have "no soul." And he laughed.

There was a certain tenseness to his facial muscles, though, and I could tell he was not looking forward to his job - he just accepted it because it was the first thing offered to him.

So then it comes back to thinking about my life and where I'm going. People always tell me "What you do now is not where you are going to be for the rest of your life," and I can see the truth in that. These next few years are going to be a test to see where/what I want to do in grad school, who I want to be. There is a sort of stifling greyness and stiffness of limbs when I think about it, however. I do not get happy, I do not look forward to it. Yes, it is safe, yes, I could raise a family, but I would be a chalky, dull individual.

There are things that make me happy. Being creative, creating and building things, trying to make objects out of nothing. Listening to music can be better than sex for me. Looking at art, hearing the sounds around me can make my whole body shiver. Watching films engages my brain, and makes me feel somehow more alive.

Yet, what am I? A liberal-arts college, bachelor of arts weilding twenty something who has been told that any desire he has in art is a complete waste of time. Someone who is constantly told he needs to lose weight, he's weird, he's not focused on the right things, has to comb his hair a certain way, has to dress this way, has to be clean, has to be focused, stutters and has been told to stop, been told that being tired is 'all in your head,' accused of being depressed, told he should be happy, because he has no reason not to be, was "allowed" to be a religion major.

None of these things, by definition, should be affecting me. Somehow, however, they form this constant drone of self-esteem melters, made to force me into the corporate mold. I am accused of not following everyday thought, by nearly everyone I know, that I am intentionally weird.

I'm left-handed, my brain works differently from everyone else's, I find joy in staring at patterns of grains of sand, not talking about sexual manuevers and 'hanging out.'

Things around me are so comfortable and nice. I own two computers, I live in a crime-free neighborhood, I have a large room, I eat four or five times a day, I have a wonderful girlfriend, I have friends, I have cable television, a large lawn, a collection of CDs, both the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal Delivered every morning for breakfast, a nice alarm clock, and a newly rusting, well running Honda Civic. Paradise.

My dreams have been erased. I want shave my head and cry all night.

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Tuesday, October 9th, 2001
4:53 pm - -/- //////- ----- -- - - 9- ------ )_ )(_ ----/------ /
stranger things have happened.













or maybe not.























I should start writing in this thing again.



























or maybe I shouldn't..........

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Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
6:52 pm - ----
There are times in my life where I look at the world, and I feel like I'm standing five feet back from myself. As if what I am doing has so much importance, it has so much more meaning and it's so much bigger than me. Or that I am simply just watching the world through someone else's eyes.

This whole summer has felt that way. It's felt like I've taken three months from myself and given myself over to some other sort of whirlwind and allowed myself to be taken over. My morals and my control is still there - but everything else seems like a vivid slideshow - something that could not happen - could not be me.

------

When I got up to do my presentation about my job yesterday (as required for the course), I took a step away from myself and just let my body go. It's much like being onstage during a show. You just let yourself go, you let yourself just flow.

I made everyone laugh, but no one understood what the hell I was talking about.

------

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself once this is over. I feel like going back to Westfield is going to be like turning a jetski off right when you're in the middle of a lake. The water will just drag on me and threaten to throw me off.

It's going to be insane. I'm really curious how I'm going to handle it.

I'm also curious how I'm going to deal with being back at school - I don't know if my friends are going to seem different, since I have had this experience while they have not - or if Haverford itself will seem infentesimal, and I will hate the world and the small school that threatens to stifle me.

Or, quite possibly, I will branch out into Philadelphia more often, play more shows and become part of the city scene. I will most likely do that to stave of the boredom that will inevitably come from being at a conservative liberal school --- with people having mindless sexual encounters and getting drunk off of natty ice.

quite possibly. quite possibly. Or maybe. Something else will happen.

However, there is always something that will ground me. There is a girl I know online (one that I have mentioned before) and she always manages to put whatever I am going through into some sort of perspective. Last night, for instance, I was feeling horribly down and depressed, and just by talking to her, I managed to feel a bit of warmth creep through my body.

It's not supposed to happen that way with internet people - and it's certainly not supposed to allow any sort of feelings to show through. I know I've met a lot of internet people in my day, but seriously --- nothing has ever has affected me in this sort of capacity. It's very strange to see. And I hope she never finds out.

****
logical extremes shown by the vista on the mountaintop. When there is nothing else to do, you always have to jump into the blue lake of sky.
****

current mood: awake

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Sunday, August 5th, 2001
12:51 pm - 21
Ugh. It's my birthday today. Another year older, and now according to the laws of the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, it is legal for me to consume alcohol. Woop de freakin' doo.

-----/

I've been a real slagger with my journal as of late, frankly because my life has not been that interesting. I'm still a mite tired (surprisingly, I think), but whatever. Probably because I am bored.

I've kind of settled down into this regular beating --- a common, daily grind of: wake, eat, shower, pee, e-mail/im, walk to work, work for 8 hours, come back, eat, write, sleep.

kind of boring.

nothing really intersting happens as a result of that routine either. It's just a drug drag blick, a daily routine that we all have to settle into . . . at some point.

I'm looking forward to going back to college, because it will allow me to fall into a more elastic environment (a daily changing one), rather than a daily daily concrete block of routine. I really do like my job, but there is something about knowing that you have to be at a certain place at a certain time - it just squashes something in my brain. I know that people will say that I'm going to have to get used to it, that I'm going to have to find a way to deal with this because this is how life is going to be, son but I don't think I have to settle into this daily daily concrete block. If there are some people who don't do it --- why does that mean that I can't be one of them?


////-//

Yesterday, I went over to Andy's flat. I was going to go over there to write some choons (I think), and hang out and do the whole bit. I arrived at around 12:45 or so, at which time Andy was still asleep. I was like 'doh!' but Mark woke him up for me, and Andy came downstairs.

We chatted, talked about musical theory and the normal bollox (like about what was on TV at the time and whatnot) and then I saw a box laying on his windowsill.

'Oh, you have Soul Calibur?'
'Yeah, put it in.'

So we started playing.

Next thing we knew it was SIX AND A HALF HOURS LATER. Holy shit. I haven't played videogames that much in ages, I'm used to playing a quick game of Doom or summat before I fall asleep, but not playing for 6 and half hours -- I haven't done that shit since I was 10. lol

Unreal. Was fun tho. Totally a time sucker and probably killed a good track that could have been written. O well.

--------

Last night, when I came home from the disgustingly copious amount of video game playing, I came back to my room and starting writing hyper cliche IDM drums. You know the hip hop stuttery drums that are all the rage now, rite? blech.

As I was sitting there, I heard some commotion on my hall, and I walked out into the hall. There were a bunch of drunk guys outside, and they all piled into a room to do poppers, which is essentially huffing glue. Real fucking smart.

///////

I dunno. My head is weird today. I feel kinda spacey.

Fucking birthdays.


****
eat terror.
Every day I think about joo and I never see joo. I hope the chapter hasn't closed.
****

current mood: weird

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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
10:12 am - chchchchchch onomotopeeeee UH
well, i know it's been a long time since I've written in here (last night doesn't count cause I got interrupted), but I think my life has changed pretty dramatically in the last week. At least my sense of where I stand with my parents, my sleep situation, and how things are feeling here in the dorm.

First and foremost, about 95% percent of the kids left the dorm last Saturday. There were probably about 150 kids here, all taking classes and doing the whole 'I'm going to party my ass off in London' thing, but they were only here for up to 9 weeks - after that, it's just the art/design kiddies and us. This leads to an eerie silence and feeling of emptiness in the dorm - for instance, it's 10:15 in the morning and NO ONE is here in the compy lab. It's just hush, really.

This freeing up of space, however, has allowed my roomate to relocate to a new room (actually, Tim's room), so he can have his own space to sleep and party, and I can have my own little cacoon to write music and be frosty. I like it a whole lot better - though I am slowly catching up on sleepypoo, I feel that having my own space for the next two and a half weeks will do more benifit than harm. Though it has done some harm.

//././././././.. << time machine noises

Harm in the sense of getting shit stolen/lost. Basically, what happened was - on Sunday night, we were all hanging oot, and I was asked if I had a DVD player in my computer. Of course I did, so we brought my computer and speakers into Matt's new room, turned on the shit and watched Gladiator. Simple enough, rite?

Except there was a minor catch - Matt was not supposed to be in the room for another day, but because he knew the code to Tim's room, we all went in there and chilled anyways. Leaving our stuff in there overnite. Monday morning, I picked up my laptop and speakers from the room, leaving my CD player, Andrew's DVDs, Matt's AC adapter and speekz. About a half hour after I collected my shit, the cleaning staff came in, thinking the room was vacated, and someone (a mystery mystery person) took all the shit that was laying about there.

So I'm without a CD player, Matt's without an AC adapter and speekz, and Andrew is without ALL of his CDs and ALL of his DVDs. That's pure shit.

We're looking into this. But hope does not spring eternal when expensive shit has been taken. I'm just thankful I took my laptop out of there - or a summer's worth of music would have died. ugh.

/./././.././././././././.

Also noteworthy --- my parents came to visit last weekend. I was really excited to see them, because I hadn't really seen them in six months or so (as I am sure I have said), and I was looking forward to showing them around London, giving them a whooz who and a whatz whaaaaaat.

Right.

These are my parents, however, so nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

..... so I meet up with them after traipsing around London for a good 3 hours in 90 degree heat (surface) and about 100+ in the toob. I was tired, and started to swear a lot. Not a good indication of my mental health, state, and well being - especially for conservative parents who don't want their son to have facial hair.

rite.

So, I swear a bit, get some water, eat some fruit, and then I begin to take my parents around Londrone. We stay pretty close to the touristy spaces, since these are the apparent safe/clean areas of the city. However, I managed to drag them out to Notting Hill, and show them Portabello market, which FREAKED THEM OUT.

umm.

It's a bit dirty, but it's safe and there's nothing to worry about. Nevertheless, my dad asked me to take him out of the 'colorful' areas of the city and lead him back to greener pastures. Blech.

It went on like this, ending up with the inevitable lecture about becoming more spiritual and cleaning myself up, and GETTING MY PRIORITIES STRAIGHT. They keep on asking me what I want to do when I graduate from college. I have honestly no idea, but I know I want to get into web design, because that is the only thing that will make me any sort of dosh.

However, this is not compatable with the business ideals set forth by the forefathers, and must be squashed with impunity.

//// on a funnier note, my parents met my boss, and my boss came up to me on Tuesday and said that when he met my father, he felt like he was being put under an X-ray. (he hit the nail on the head)

/ \

enough kvetching about the parents tho.

It's thursday now, and everything (hopefully) will coalesce in the next few weeks.

****
interesting animation on the pixel front.
****

current mood: awake

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Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
7:12 pm - /-/0009/
I haven't touched this thing in five days or so. The punters have been disappointed I'm sure. :P

Anyway, it's been an interesting last couple of days, and for the sake of brevity, I think I am going to focus on the most important thing (besides the network being down) that has been sucking up my time; namely, that my parents came to town.

It's kinda of funny, because I was well exited to see them since I hadn't really seen them for basically like 6 - 7 months. It's like 'yay! I get to see them and show them around londrone and what not.'

----/-/

I'll get to this later ---- I just found out that I have a 10 page paper due in a week and a half. blech.

Fuck that all.

bbl.

current mood: annoyed

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Thursday, July 26th, 2001
10:55 pm - +_-
I don't want to write in the journal tonite. I'm really feeling lethargic and tired - but I've had such an interesting / eventful past day and a half that I MUST write.

-----------

Before I start, however, I have to say that I've been reflecting on what I said about the debacle down in the river bar --- maybe it wasn't arrogance that I was playing with ./. maybe it was overconfidence - I'm not sure. I've been trying to decipher what it was that actually happened ----- anyway ...

---------

Last night was one of the most amusing and pleasurable nights I've had in a long time. It started out like usual, with people smoking pot and listening to music in Tim's room, and people just kinda illin about and whatnot.

I was sitting in my room writing 'phat hip hop grooves' and trying to find some sort of good bassline. It was rather difficult to find a sort of hard-ish distorted bassline to rumble under the 90bpm - harder than i thought. O well, I guess I need to get hardware for that sort of shit.

I'm sitting in my room writing shit and Alfredo comes in and starts talking to me. Talking to me about the future and shit and telling me how he wants me to design a webpage for his fraterity. It was a rather nice (if somewhat dull) conversation, and all of a sudden he stopped and looked out the window / / / and said:

'what's that?'
'what's what?'
'across the street. look. there's people dancing.'
'what?'

I turn around, look outside, and there is a group of men dancing in the window directly opposite mine. They're spinning in a circle being silly, and leaning down onto the couch and picking up bras, and spinning them around over their heads.

For a second, Alfredo and I thought that there was a woman on the couch and there was going to be a threesome. We were like 'woah!' and then we realized there wasn't a woman in the room. It was just guys.

Then they started taking off their clothes.

Alfredo runs out into the hall and tells everyone about this shit going on across the way. Tim runs in, turns off the lights and a bunch of people start piling on my bed. By this point, the guys across the way have started to put on the bras (one of them is wearing a hot pink bra at this point) and they're dancing even more silly-ly.

So we're all piled into my room, laughing our asses off and pointing at them. At one point, we must have been a bit too loud - the bra wearing kiddies stopped dancing looked across the way, pointed their fingers, and scattered.

like dust in the wind. or something to that factor/extent.

Eventually, there was lots of shouting at them, telling them to put the bras back on and telling them that they wanted to come over - etc. etc.

It ended with lots of drunken hollering and inevitable boredom. But it was very amusing and added a bit of levity to the otherwise extraordinarily boring evening.
---------()()()()()()

On another note, my parents are here for the next three days. It's really pleasant to see them, even though I sometimes get annoyed at them at home -----

but it seems like we are more on the same wavelength, talking about life and all of that.

very good.

but the lab is closing and I need to jet.

/.0./

******
working man's hotornot! break the blue nasty hard tree!
****

current mood: relaxed

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Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
7:47 pm - 908 654
Yeah. So, yesterday was a very traumatic day that left me feeling a little worn down and a mite frustrated and embarassed. Joy!

As usual, I woke up, went to work and chatted on the internet for the majority of the day. Normal blah blah blah sitty downy chatty type of things. Yeah ... so I'm sitting around, lurking on the TEFOboard (as always), and I see this post on the board:

fuckwits - someone in the know
I came across your site. Dont ask how or why (you spam a lot). All I can say is, that a good proportion of your music is absolute shit. And I know. Cos I am in the same sort of business if you know what i mean. A lot of amateur dribbling. I read some of your postings too. Proxy has got be the most arrogant bearded fucker known to man or beast. your music is sub standard shit you pussy. Get off the ego trip you fuck. The rest of your are kidding yourselves on too and maybe one or two of you have a little talent but not much. What I want to know is how do you expect to thrive when so many other small labels are producing true quality product along the same lines. Too many idm nerds spoil the broth. you little pretentious fucks.

Now, it's nice that someone decided to come to our site, but to come and attack us (not leaving their e-mail adress and refusing to engage in any sort of dialogue) isn't cool. It's even un cooler that he decided to single me out from a group of 40 people to tell me that I am shit and that I am an arrogant bastard 'known to man or beast.'

Honestly, I don't care if someone slags my music. Whatever. I have a right to make my music and listen to it, and pass it off on other people, and possibly give people some pleasure and induce some feelings of bile in some other people. That's just the game that you play when you're making music. You can't please everyone.

But for someone to come onto a board, unannounced and come in and slag my personality - that's another thing all together. Now, I freely admit that I do have an ego of sorts (duh, I'm posting my journal online and I post pics of myself), but I think to call me more arrogant than any other person on the planet - that's just taking it a step too far. I would like to think that when I am out in the real world, people don't think that I think that I am better than they are --- I have confidence, yes, but I don't think I am arrogant.

blech. That kind of killed my day like a deflated baloon, even though I KNOW it should not have. A random person's comments should not affect me (I know I know) they still did - if one person thinks that about me, then why aren't there a bunch of other people out there who are thinking the same thing? It's a terrible, crushing feeling to have and it hurts.

-------------------------

I left work and called Andy. We were planning on going to an open mic nite at the River Bar, hooking up our laptops and dropping some science on the chin-stroking guitarists' asses. Maybe move a little booooo tay tay maybe get a little funk up in that piece. Or, even simpler, put some IDM where the sun don't shine.

So I called him, hopped on the tube, made my way over to his flat and banged on the front door. He came bounding down the stairs, opened up said front door and said 'shit john, you've come right in time for my laptop to die.'

I should have taken that as a portent. Like the birds flying in the sky before the Ides of March -Brutus the sneaky OS glitch was lurking around the corner with knife in hand. Instead, I bounded upstairs, unleashed my mixer, set up my equipment and decided to get to practicing and fixing his computer.

It was kind of weird, because the computer just would not run any sound at all. It wasn't like the sound was appearing to run and then nothing was coming out, you'd start winamp or fruity, and the ticker for the sound would just stay there. As if it was folding its arms and saying: 'I'm better than you.' So Andy swore a goodly amount at the computer screen, went 'what the fuck?' a good number of times, then took the drastic measure of smacking the laptop against the desk.

Surprisingly, this worked.

So we got down to practicing, and we got some incredibly smooth hard grooves goin on, and we were bobbin our heads like true IDM aristocrats. We felt comfortable enough with our stylez, and decided to walk down the street to the bar.

We met up with Rosie, Mark, Steve, Ant, Suzanna (rosie's flatmate) and Suzanna's beau (i think), and we all sat around and drank and ate. It was a pretty jovial atmosphere and we were chillin and doing the whole 'we're friends at a pub' kind of thing. At one point, Mark asked us which joke we thought was funnier:

1) Two oranges are walking down the street. One says to the other: 'Hey, where do you live?' The other one says: 'I'm not telling you, I'm afraid you'll steal my washing.'

2) Two tomatos are in the fridge. Time passes. One tomato says to the other 'brrr, it's cold in here, innit?' and the other one says 'Shh. Not now, I'm talking to Martin.'

Now, neither of those jokes make any sense (pure absurdism), but as you start to delve into the reason and surrealism of the situations, they become more and more funny. I.E. What the hell does an orange have to do with washing? Why are there oranges walking down the street? It gets pretty damn funny when you try to discuss these things. heh. We had a good chuckle with these jokes and then decided to go downstairs and check out the competition.

Holy shit was it depressing.

Man/Woman + Guitar (and/or cheezy synth) = Melodramatic Poorly Sung Music. My attitude = pure arrogance.

So Andy and I are sitting around the basement of the bar, listening to the music and inhaling the cigarette smoke. I'm chuckling uncontrollably because the music is so bad - I had to excuse myself a couple of times to go upstairs and laugh. Was bad. Even worse was my attitude in retrospect.

At this point, Brutus was sharpening his knife.

So there were lots of bad acts, and then we were scheduled to go up. We dragged up our laptops, hooked up the mixer, and began to play. Or, more accurately I began to play. I was sitting there piling on the drones waiting for Andy to come in with the melody - I kept on leaning over to him and going 'when are you going to come in?' and I noticed that he was struggling with the computer - - - - - banging it against the table n whatnot. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

Brutus had stabbed us in the keyboard and made away with a good laugh - showed us that being arrogant fucks with you more than you could ever hope to imagine.

I was embarassed as fuck and I pulled my laptop off the stage within 4 minutes. I felt terrible for putting on a show of that low caliber - and I HAVE to go back there next week and show them what kind of music Andy and I can make when we put our heads together. We are good. I know that much.

---()()

so that was my day yesterday. I am sitting here, ready to go to sleep and write some choons - AND! my parents are coming tomorrow.

Surprisingly, I'm exited to see them.

yay!

:D

****
tear me down! I haven't seen joo in ages!
****

current mood: contemplative

(comment on this)

6:55 pm - 908 654
Yeah. So, yesterday was a very traumatic day that left me feeling a little worn down and a mite frustrated and embarassed. Joy!

As usual, I woke up, went to work and chatted on the internet for the majority of the day. Normal blah blah blah sitty downy chatty type of things. Yeah ... so I'm sitting around, lurking on the TEFOboard (as always), and I see this post on the board:

fuckwits - someone in the know
I came across your site. Dont ask how or why (you spam a lot). All I can say is, that a good proportion of your music is absolute shit. And I know. Cos I am in the same sort of business if you know what i mean. A lot of amateur dribbling. I read some of your postings too. Proxy has got be the most arrogant bearded fucker known to man or beast. your music is sub standard shit you pussy. Get off the ego trip you fuck. The rest of your are kidding yourselves on too and maybe one or two of you have a little talent but not much. What I want to know is how do you expect to thrive when so many other small labels are producing true quality product along the same lines. Too many idm nerds spoil the broth. you little pretentious fucks.

Now, it's nice that someone decided to come to our site, but to come and attack us (not leaving their e-mail adress and refusing to engage in any sort of dialogue) isn't cool. It's even un cooler that he decided to single me out from a group of 40 people to tell me that I am shit and that I am an arrogant bastard 'known to man or beast.'

Honestly, I don't care if someone slags my music. Whatever. I have a right to make my music and listen to it, and pass it off on other people, and possibly give people some pleasure and induce some feelings of bile in some other people. That's just the game that you play when you're making music. You can't please everyone.

But for someone to come onto a board, unannounced and come in and slag my personality - that's another thing all together. Now, I freely admit that I do have an ego of sorts (duh, I'm posting my journal online and I post pics of myself), but I think to call me more arrogant than any other person on the planet - that's just taking it a step too far. I would like to think that when I am out in the real world, people don't think that I think that I am better than they are --- I have confidence, yes, but I don't think I am arrogant.

blech. That kind of killed my day like a deflated baloon, even though I KNOW it should not have. A random person's comments should not affect me (I know I know) they still did - if one person thinks that about me, then why aren't there a bunch of other people out there who are thinking the same thing? It's a terrible, crushing feeling to have and it hurts.

-------------------------

I left work and called Andy. We were planning on going to an open mic nite at the River Bar, hooking up our laptops and dropping some science on the chin-stroking guitarists' asses. Maybe move a little booooo tay tay maybe get a little funk up in that piece. Or, even simpler, put some IDM where the sun don't shine.

So I called him, hopped on the tube, made my way over to his flat and banged on the front door. He came bounding down the stairs, opened up said front door and said 'shit john, you've come right in time for my laptop to die.'

I should have taken that as a portent. Like the birds flying in the sky before the Ides of March -Brutus the sneaky OS glitch was lurking around the corner with knife in hand. Instead, I bounded upstairs, unleashed my mixer, set up my equipment and decided to get to practicing and fixing his computer.

It was kind of weird, because the computer just would not run any sound at all. It wasn't like the sound was appearing to run and then nothing was coming out, you'd start winamp or fruity, and the ticker for the sound would just stay there. As if it was folding its arms and saying: 'I'm better than you.' So Andy swore a goodly amount at the computer screen, went 'what the fuck?' a good number of times, then took the drastic measure of smacking the laptop against the desk.

Surprisingly, this worked.

So we got down to practicing, and we got some incredibly smooth hard grooves goin on, and we were bobbin our heads like true IDM aristocrats. We felt comfortable enough with our stylez, and decided to walk down the street to the bar.

We met up with Rosie, Mark, Steve, Ant, Suzanna (rosie's flatmate) and Suzanna's beau (i think), and we all sat around and drank and ate. It was a pretty jovial atmosphere and we were chillin and doing the whole 'we're friends at a pub' kind of thing. At one point, Mark asked us which joke we thought was funnier:

1) Two oranges are walking down the street. One says to the other: 'Hey, where do you live?' The other one says: 'I'm not telling you, I'm afraid you'll steal my washing.'

2) Two tomatos are in the fridge. Time passes. One tomato says to the other 'brrr, it's cold in here, innit?' and the other one says 'Shh. Not now, I'm talking to Martin.'

Now, neither of those jokes make any sense (pure absurdism), but as you start to delve into the reason and surrealism of the situations, they become more and more funny. I.E. What the hell does an orange have to do with washing? Why are there oranges walking down the street? It gets pretty damn funny when you try to discuss these things. heh. We had a good chuckle with these jokes and then decided to go downstairs and check out the competition.

Holy shit was it depressing.

Man/Woman + Guitar (and/or cheezy synth) = Melodramatic Poorly Sung Music. My attitude = pure arrogance.

So Andy and I are sitting around the basement of the bar, listening to the music and inhaling the cigarette smoke. I'm chuckling uncontrollably because the music is so bad - I had to excuse myself a couple of times to go upstairs and laugh. Was bad. Even worse was my attitude in retrospect.

At this point, Brutus was sharpening his knife.

So there were lots of bad acts, and then we were scheduled to go up. We dragged up our laptops, hooked up the mixer, and began to play. Or, more accurately I began to play. I was sitting there piling on the drones waiting for Andy to come in with the melody - I kept on leaning over to him and going 'when are you going to come in?' and I noticed that he was struggling with the computer - - - - - banging it against the table n whatnot. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

Brutus had stabbed us in the keyboard and made away with a good laugh - showed us that being arrogant fucks with you more than you could ever hope to imagine.

I was embarassed as fuck and I pulled my laptop off the stage within 4 minutes. I felt terrible for putting on a show of that low caliber - and I HAVE to go back there next week and show them what kind of music Andy and I can make when we put our heads together. We are good. I know that much.

---()()

so that was my day yesterday. I am sitting here, ready to go to sleep and write some choons - AND! my parents are coming tomorrow.

Surprisingly, I'm exited to see them.

yay!

:D

****
tear me down! I haven't seen joo in ages!
****

current mood: contemplative

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Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
12:59 pm - merz fucking bow


That's me and Instruction Shuttle chillin at Hologram in April. Why did I post the pic? I dunno. O well.



I'm kinda sleepy this aftermorning, as usual. I stayed up until 3 AM last night listening to country music. No, seriously. I guess I should back up and explain why I was listening to Tim McGraw while trying to go to sleep. . .

moving backwards in time
*/*/*//*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*

Yesterday started off like any other boring Saturday. I was sitting around in the computer lab doodling in my head and writing in my journal. I watched a bit of the British Open (which is another story all up on its own) and then decided I would call Andy to see what he was up to and see if he would like to do anything.

I called him and asked him what was up (of course with no plans of my own) and he said that he was basically kinda busy and he was thinking about going up to Sheffield. He said he would call back and give me a more definative answer. He called back and gave me a more definative answer. mmhmm, nice use of grammar there, eh? Anyway, he said I could stop over his flat, so I was happy that I had something to do.

So I still had a few hours to kill, so I decided to hang out in the dorm and see what was going on. I worked on a track of mine for a bit (grizznoove, it's pretty tight, imho. :D) and then decided to hang out with the peepz in Tim's room, since there are always people in there.

Right. So I walk in, and everyone is stoned. Laying on the bed, talking about dumb philosophy, etc. I sit down, start cahtting with the ston-ed ones, and funnily enough Tim asks me to go grab the CD with the track I made with Andy. That track is starting to become a big hit among the stonaz set here . . . people are all like - 'yeah, man' about it. Pretty amusing. Alfredo said 'dude, those drums remind me of rain.' (In a separate incident, alfredo said I looked like the kind of guy who would smoke lots of pot because I 'like to think.') So on and so forth.

So I brought Go Plastic into zee room of ston-ed ones, and started playing some completely bizzaare hashed up drum n bass. Was pretty funny to watch their reactions. Ah, nothing like playing IDM to people and making them confus-ed. haha.

Yeah ... so I played music for these blokes for about an hour or so, and then I decided to head over to andy's.

(travel)

I made it to Andy's and rang the doorbell. I looked inside and didn't see anyone. I was like - 'Crap! Is he not here!?' so I yerked out my cellymiphone and called him. And andy asks me where I am. I say 'I'm at your flat' (probably adding bro to the end of said sentence), and he's like 'doh!' and opens the door.

Turns out, he was inside the whole time and the doorbell is busted. HRMZ.

haha.

So I hang out with Andy a bit, break one of his cheapo-ikea glasses after gently tapping it with my foot, and then he gets another cell phone call from Sammy, the violinist that he's working with. It turns out Sammy is outside Andy's flat and doesn't know where Andy is. Sammy tried to ring the doorbell but no answer.

Glad I'm not alone.

So we're talking, we're chilling, all of that jazz, and of course being all three of us musician types we inevitably talk only about music and what shit music is and what is good. SOOOOOO we break out the B.o.C., and talk about it, and then like good trainspotters, Merzbow becomes the topick of conversation. Being a noise freak, I got all excited and asked Andy if he had any. He did!

He put it on the stereo, there was wumpa wumpa then noise. Harsh, ever changing noise. Delicious noise. OH YESS! :D It got me happy, if not to dance, but to sink into sound. Very tight. hehe.

Andy doesn't like this, so in my enthusiasm for the noise, Andy gives me the CD! So now I am the proud owner of a Merzbow CD. woot woot. Can I ask you a question? Who let the dogs out?

-------> forward.

The violinist andy is working with is fucking fantastic. Improvisational, crazy talented and crazy good. When Andy's CD comes out on Toytronic, you will have to pick it up. Tight shit, honestly.

so so so

We end up going to a party, which was quite pleasant, if not adrenaline-inducing. I met some really nice people and talked about venues and religion and all those fun things. It was quite cool. Plus, I saw my first double chambered bong since freshman year of college. haha.

------> more forward

As andy was driving me home last night, I plugged in my laptop to his speakers, and played him grizznoove as well as the voicemail messages I had laying around on my laptop.

When I got to Mishy's voicemail (Mishy = Michelle - 17 year old horny internet girl I talked to for a while) with her laughing like a ditz and whatnot, Andy got all flustered and told me how he wouldn't have even have heard the end of the message --- he would have already been on a train to see her. lol Pretty amusing, I must say. And I do have to say that the voicemail is that enticing, in a sort of 'i'm goofy ditzy jailbait' kinda way.

so ... I end up at the dorm, with my new Merzbow CD in tow. I say hi to everyone, curl up in bed and listen to the CD. I'm laying in bed, listening to Merzbow, chilling, enjoying. My roomate comes in, lays down in his bed and listens to Tim McGraw.

One side of the room: Merzbow
Other side: Tim McGraw

that amused me.

So we get to talking, and I start talking about how the only genre of music I have a hard time getting into is country. It's just really quite difficult for me. Matt, being the philanthropist that he is, offers to put the music on speakers so I can hear it.

So I lay there, 3 AM trying to listen to country music and wrap my head around what it is and what purpose it serves. I get my head around the beats and the rythm, but the TWANG is frustrating. I don't get it. I don't I don't. And the lyrics (despite Matt's insistence that they are deep) are really too trite to get into substantially.

I dunno. Maybe because I've heard lots of music --- I dunno. It's hard. I have to try more.

-----> sleep time.

I woke up this morning and my roomate and the usual crew waked and baked.

Silly bean heads.

Then I ate a high calorie breakfast and came in here.

It took me like 45 minutes to write this, and I think it has the possibility of being the least coherent and longest entry in my journal yet! woof woof!

*****
damnit. I can't get her out of my head.
fcj.
*****

current mood: sleepy

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Saturday, July 21st, 2001
2:24 pm - straight up!
Just a reflecting bit. Like a mirror or summat.

I've noticed since last Saturday that everything has seemed to calm down - my tinnitus is less, everything seems quieter, and the general intensity of life is not where it was. There is not this fever pitch of craziness in my head and subsequently outside in the world. Very odd. Very very odd.

--------

As far as life stands, however, I am still in the doldrums of boredom. Last night, I saw Jurassic Park 3, and it is a complete and utter waste of time. No acting, no story, no nothing. Bollocks, as they say (if that is the correct use of said word). Complete and utter shit. Don't waste any time or money on it. It's so bad that when I was reflecting about what I did last night, I forgot that I saw it.

Then you know it's bad.####

Today, however, should be more interesting. I'm heading over to Andy's in about an hour or so, and we're gonna hang out and then go down to Brixton to go to a party. I'm not sure what the party is all about or anything, I just figure I can go, see if I like it and if not head back home. Usual usual.

I dunno. I dno. Right now I think I'm in the weird kinda mode because I'm hungry, and thus I should go out and get some fud.

hrm.

****
i keep on thinking about joo. but as far as I know, joo don't exist.

grar.
****

current mood: awake

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Friday, July 20th, 2001
10:29 am - got my first real six string / bought it at the five and dime
Hrm.

Yesterday was a rather long day - went to work at around 10 in the morning and got back at around 12:15 at night. Luckily, I had the option of coming in at noon today (which I obviously took), so I got to sleep in a bit. However, since my roomate has to get up and shower and change in the mo mo, it didn't do much. It was kind of like hitting your alarm for 8 hours. You spend a lot of time in bed, but not a lot actually resting.

Nevertheles, it's about 10:40 and I'm not at work, which can only be a good thing. haha. I will get to actually not spend any money on fizznood today.

hrm. So enough of my kvetching. I had a very good night last night - I had to go to the Cargo club for work, and due to me being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I ended up working the front table, handing out flyers and asking peepz for their e-mail adresses. Not the most fun of jobs, and with my stone cold jaw and inability to talk to strangers, I found it very difficult. I know, personally, I would never sign my e-mail adress away (esp. at a cloob), so I felt bad asking people to give me theirs just because I was told to.

Eventually I convinced myself that having them exist on a mailing list was a good thing.

So I did this for several hours. Wasn't terribly fun or great or anything, but ... the whole time I was hanging out with two extraordinarily attractive women. And of course, that makes the night go by all the more quickly. It's like: 'oh, you're stunningly gorgeous and you're hanging out with me. ALL RIGHT.' As you nod your head and chuckle in a surfer voice. Maybe saying the word 'rad' underneath your breath a few times.

hehe.

And there were some funny moments too, for instance when these American kids came in all gussied up and looking out of place and saw the dish of candy we had laid out and asked if they were ecstasy. That was somewhat amusing. It's also funny how I find myself being like - 'oh, dumb americans ...' when I am one myself.

--------

The weirdest bit of the night came when I arrived back at the dorm. I came back into the building, saw alfredo (who called me a 'soldier' for working as late as I did) and hoofed it upstairs. What did I see? Matt was already asleep, snoring away in bed. I think that is the first time since I've been here that he's actually been asleep before me. How odd and refreshing.

So I went into the room, threw off my shoes, looked longingly at the bed and decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to sleep after just getting back from work ----- so I decided to go downstairs and see what they were watching on the tele.

So I went into said room, and saw a group of my fellow internz hanging around. Then I realised - holy shit, these kids look really young. Like everyone just looked like teenagers to me. Everyone looked really really really young.

Very odd. I don't know why that is (and my brain right now is not in a state to comprehend why), but I have a feeling thatha it has something to do with hanging out with people who are a few years older than me all the time -- and then coming back and seeing a group of kids my age really throws me for a loop.

I duno.

It was one of those moments.

Now I have to retire, get some chow, and slink into the recesses of the concrete jungle.

And fart.

****
policemen grabbed him by the wrist. He looked up and saw that the power was out on the top floor of the tallest building. He smiled.

He knew that soon, the power would tumble off in a domino stream, and once that happened, the looters would come out. Then his plan would be a success and no one would be safe.

He'd gladly let himself be arrested for that.

****

current mood: sleepy

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Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
8:59 pm - shit.
I just heard someone whisper - 'john' right behind my ear. I turned around. No one there. Fuck. I think I'm heading into that other stage of sleep deprivation - where I was freshman year, with the hallucinations and whatnot. Fuck. I best not be getting there.

And today at work was boring. For the first time, I didn't have shit to do. Nothing at all. Mmmgmm. I just sat there and flirted with J on the online (I know I know, i'm terrible. And looking back, yes I was flirting) and chatting absolute nonsense with her and cos and other TEFOnuts. But besides that, my day slagged.

Plus, I managed to not take any money out (because i bought go plastic), so I did not eat any luch today. I was really hungry at some points, but I've learned to ignore hunger in the past, and I can learn to ignore it again. Stupid freaking having to budget. grr.

Yeah. Sliding back down into silliness and mediocrity - haven't had a creative urge for a few days now, ever since Saturday. Made a few good beats and melodies, but nothing has cohered.

----------------

I wonder. What is going to happen to me come schooltime?

-------------------------------

****
joo left. miss joo.
****

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9:36 am - my d major
Ambercombie Avalanche Rescue. Think about that for a second. AMBERCOMBIE avalance rescue.
Ambercrombie? Hrm.

There is something about overpriced sweatshirts that sell an ideal that cannot possibly exists that bugs me. I saw a girl wearing a hoodie today that had a big type of swiss cross on it and 'AMBERCROMBIE avalance rescue' written on the front. In washed out letters, no less, as if it was from the mid sixties or something. I dunno. It said something to me --- got to me a bit.

Why not buy just a regular ole sweatshirt? Why not spend $8 on a hoodie rather than $40? Because of a phrase? It doesn't make any sense. I guess there is logic behind it - in the fact that people want to dress nice to be seen as 'hip' and 'rad' by all the others around them - but doesn't wearing those kind of clothes put one in a sort of frame of reference, such as: "I wear ambercrombie - this is the type of person I am?"

Or maybe I am just associating the clothes with the people I know who wear these things. Possibly because my experience with Ambercrombie wearing thugs is a sour one, I have made an association in my head between rich snooty bastards (Delboys) and people who wear ambercrombie. I am sure there are nice people who overpay for their clothes.

Of course, I then get to thinking about what my dress and appearence says to other people. It probably says 'I don't really care what I look like, so fuck you,' which is pretty much the case. I dress for utility, not for good looks. Puts me in an awkward space, however, especially with the lay-deez --- maybe I should run an Ambercrombie Experiment and see if I can't change people's perceptions of me by dressing up nice. Then again, I don't have the money to spare - I'd want to buy a drum box or a synth first.

-0-0-0-0-0-00-0-0-

On another note, I was supposed to go to a dinner at Rosie's last night. I was feeling tired last night, and after what happened to me Saturday, I was cringing about staying out late (AT ALL). So I called up Rosie, and I was like - well, I don't think I am going to come, I don't feel well, etc. So I didn't end up going.

Of course, I made a complete faux pas because I was supposed to go up with Andy, and after talking to Rosie, I completely forgot that I was going to go up with Andy and thought that I had the whole situmitation under control.

At around 10PM, I remembered and called him (but his phone was not working or he had it turned off) and left a message on his voicemail --- I hope he got it and isn't pished. Stupid making forgetful mistakes.

It was funny, because I was just talking about this sort of behavior with Shanon (one of my sisses) about Heather (another one of my sisses). Heath constantly makes plans with peepz then neglects to call them when she can't go out. Fungool. That's the kind of shit I don't want to do.

Nevertheless - I think/hope I rectified everything.

-0-0-0-0000-

And on the best note of the nite - my roomate fell asleep in someone else's room 'listening to music' (was he having sex? was he hooking up? or did he really just fall asleep to music? We will never know ......) and didn't come back until 6AM this morning. Considering I went into bed at around 10:30 last night, I had another good night's rest.

woot woot! i'm a happy boy.

****
freedom comes in small packages. Like little bars of chocolate or a condom wrapper.
****

current mood: happy

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Monday, July 16th, 2001
7:56 pm - 9990*)*)()(*)00(*(*) ))(*)!"£(*!
On saturday, information pierced my brain in tidal waves. I was staggered by the amount of data that was in my head - I could not function normally and my head shook with fear.

I am rested today. Much more calm that I normally am. It's as if my body has broken past some sort of barrier and I am finally *rested.* At least it feels that way. I had 8 hours of sleep and I dreamt last night, and I woke up today feeling refreshed (moreso than I can remember) and ready to crack the day over the head with a baseball bat. I felt good, I dare say.

So it's passed. My roomate is back from Paris today, however, and I'm worried that it's going to slide back into insanity once again. Maybe I can convince him to shut the fuck up. Or maybe I can weasel my way into a new room. )00( I know I can once this next session is up, but -- maybe sooner. And I can get sleep every night and feel like a rephreshed person with a sane, sound mind.

00000 perhaps.

Besides my sleeping perdicaments (which have been taking up a greater and greater portion of my non-sleeping hours), I've been having a pretty good last few days.

Yesterday, I hung out with Andy and we went up to Rosie's flat to discuss having a show up in that great industrial run down Hackney-Wick area. Very nice space, I must say, and I'm looking forward to playing there.

So there were those business dealings, and Andy and I discussed more shit about TEFOSAV and where we think it's going to be headed. I think the general overall feeling is that the community needs to come to a consensus - opening up a new bulletin board or summat. I dunno. I still have that tingling in my gut that this is for real and that we have quite a good shot at legitimacy in the big-up world of the IDM list and Joyrexers (which we know fo sho are the arbiters of experimental drilly quality). haha.

I also had a very tight nerd moment yesterday. I was driving around in Andy's car and I needed to show him the tracks I was making, and we didn't have enough time to go back to his flat and pump them over his monitors. So I hooked up this ghetto speaker set-up he has in his car (two computer speakers hooked up to a CD player) to my laptop, and was bumpin tunes off of my laptop in the car. I got a kick out of that, riding around london with my laptop on and fruityloops open. You don't get much fresher (or nerdier) than that.

booya mas cheif!

Other than that, I've been pretty boring. I had work today and did a lot of chatting with the TEFOcrew whilst doing my work. Talking about nonsense with J and Will is always a good way of passing the time.

so tonite, I have to brandish the knives and make sure I can go to bed at 11:30. Oh, how sweet that ecstasy would be.

****
burn rubber! burn ass! haul freigh!t!
****

current mood: satisfied

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Sunday, July 15th, 2001
12:21 pm - antecedent / consequent
Oh my goodness.

My brain imploded last night. I have never felt like I did last night, ever. I was sitting on the computer IMing with Boaz, and all of a sudden I got this urge to leave. I couldn't sit at the computer anymore and I just needed to get UP. So I turned the computer off, got up and decided to walk to my room.

The problem with this was that I could not walk any more than a measured pace and it took me probably about 3-5 minutes to get upstairs when it normally takes me about 1. I was walking this way because my body felt that any other way would be rediculous and that I needed to be this measured because I needed to be calm and right myself.

Right across the hall from my room, there is a full-length mirror. I vaguely remember staring in the mirror for several minutes, looking at the features of my face and studying why I felt the way I did. It was like I was slightly removed from myself.

then I went into my room and all hell broke loose.

I walked into my room and I lost my balance. I stumbled a bit, then I started to twitch. But it wasn't like a muscular twitch, but rather a twitch that would come from the inside then work its way out to my limbs and then I would shake my head by the muscles in my neck, shake my hands, shake whatever. I could barely move, but at the same time, I had an insane wealth of energy, both creative and physical, welled up in my body. I said fuck it and I opened up my computer and began to write. I remember vaguely growling at the screen when I made a mistake, and just wanting to throttle my brain.

I listned to what I wrote last night this morning, and it has no coherence at all to it, and it is completely fidgety. Lots of bells running over each other, lots of stuff. I was just twitching from the inside out and I needed to excrete everything in my head.

Eventually, I got up in my room and just began to take an insane amount of photographs. Just of the walls, of the ceiling, lots of myself, just general photographs and I could not stop taking them. It was a free stop go on all out and never stop kind of thing. Again, twitchy from the inside out and moving at the speed of light while standing still.

I finished my song (eventually), took off my clothes, turned off the light and laid down in bed. At this point, i was trying to talk myself down, telling myself I would be ok, I just had to keep myself calm. I tried to focus on making the bed to keep my mind off of things, to keep myself balanced and focused. Just need to keep my head on and fffocufocufocus. Told myself I would be all right. Just needed to sleep.

I made it into bed, then I started to groan and beat the pillow: 'what the fuck is wrong with me?' 'what the fuck is wrong with me?' I screamed all muffled, did not want anyone outside to hear me. I just sat there, trying to go to sleep, but my brain would not shut off.

I took the 'Go Plastic' CD and put it in the CD player, put on my headphones, put it on loud and laid in bed. It made complete sense. No drum hit was out of place, and it never descended into chaos. It was like listening to a new record . . . completely fucking bizzaare and brilliant. Matched my state perfectly.

About halfway through the album I fell asleep. I slept for 12 hours and I am fine now.

I realize that I need sleep more than anything. I need to make sure I get the right amount. I never - ever want to feel that way again.

jesus.

***
pink stars cloud the sky. History hides behind the cumulus and we wait for them to part to see our beginnings.
***

current mood: refreshed

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Saturday, July 14th, 2001
10:14 pm - go plastic - squarepusher
from the tefosav messageboard

my thoughts on go plastic
Sat Jul 14 19:11:26 2001


I spent my lunch money for the next three days on a copy of Go Plastic, so I'm not sure if that's going to bias my opinion at all. Then again, I'm really fucking tired and I listened to it while 3/4 asleep, so there is another thing that may change my opinion.

As it stands, however, my opinion after listening to it 1 and a half times goes as such - it's quite good, though DSP fuckery should have died before it even started.

What I do like about the album is its deliberate descent into controlled chaos. 'My Fucking Sound' flies around in indistinct patterns, intricate in their design and insane in their apparent chaos - though I feel that their speed almost makes them stand still. As I was listening to said track, I was reminded of Boards of Canada, in the fact that the music creates a sense of stillness - even though it is moving at nearly the speed of light. When jenkinson comes in and says 'remember who is the fucking daddy,' I kind of cringed but respected it at the same time. He knows how to program those drums.

At the same time, I do admire the organic structure of most of the tracks. Even though your ear knows that they are made by computer and structured by hand, the feel of the tracks reminds me of jazz (derr) but brought to a strange degree of complexity and rules of jamming. The drums themselves tend to self-destruct then piece themselves back together and the 'free' form of the pieces definately does the same thing.

And then there are the melodies (or lack thereof). Most of jenkinson's music (that I have heard) really lies in the distinct realm of drum and bass - literally. There is bass and there are drums, no more, no less. Most of go plastic (save for a few notable exceptions) falls into this category as well - giving it an almost minimal flavor. Very strange for something as complex as this.

hrm.

The one thing that stood out to me about the album as a bad point was the obvious references to reaktor and its sounds. There were portions of the album where I felt like I had heard sounds before, but sounds that were stuck in simply because they sounded 'cool' and once you hear them once their novelty wears off. Kind of like kid 606.

And then there are the melody tracks. There is one distinctly melodic piece on the album, coming after a chaos ridden drum solo, and the rythm in this piece (whose name escapes me at the moment) is quite cool. Pauses and grace notes n whatnot. Made me nearly weep on first listen, but it's almost sounding stale after the second and third.

I guess my feelings about the album can be summed up thusly - a very dark, minimilistic ambient album with flashes of melody and rythm peppered throughout.

a curiousity and an album I will listen to a bunch more, for sure.

current mood: weird

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4:35 pm - big existential ups
what do you know? I'm tired again. I'm in that sort of half distanced spacey realm that puts me in a thinking mode but also one that does not want to do anything. Sort of like mental lockjaw.
I'm just kind of sitting here without much to say but with a lot on my mind. So many things are racing, but I feel like carp and don't want to move.

The most I did today was go up to high street and go to the Tower Records and buy go plastic. That's the extent of my excitement for the day. The rest of the time has been spent sleeping and on the computer (as usual). I really need to bust out of this rut of mediocrity - slip away from the dull rythm that has become my life. I don't know how, however. That is the problem.

------

The big things that have been running through my head today are TEFOSAV and the musical links that form a great chain of talent and inspiration. On the second tip, I realized that there is a chain ... every artist is linked to another, albeit some less directly than others.

I can't quite explain it how I saw it in my head, but suffice it to say that the great map of music ends up looking like a coral reef, with the newest and most important artists poking their way up to the surface. Eventually everything is ovverrun and there are more important people struggling to find the air.

-------

As far as tefosav is concerned, there are a lot of business oriented shits that are floating through my head. The attack plan, how we are going to make money --- all of this crazy crazy crazy shit.

have to figure out something. have to figure out a way to find an open door and go through it.

--------

must think.

too tired.

***
open. close. plates.
***

current mood: exhausted

(comment on this)

4:35 pm - big existential ups
what do you know? I'm tired again. I'm in that sort of half distanced spacey realm that puts me in a thinking mode but also one that does not want to do anything. Sort of like mental lockjaw.
I'm just kind of sitting here without much to say but with a lot on my mind. So many things are racing, but I feel like carp and don't want to move.

The most I did today was go up to high street and go to the Tower Records and buy go plastic. That's the extent of my excitement for the day. The rest of the time has been spent sleeping and on the computer (as usual). I really need to bust out of this rut of mediocrity - slip away from the dull rythm that has become my life. I don't know how, however. That is the problem.

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The big things that have been running through my head today are TEFOSAV and the musical links that form a great chain of talent and inspiration. On the second tip, I realized that there is a chain ... every artist is linked to another, albeit some less directly than others.

I can't quite explain it how I saw it in my head, but suffice it to say that the great map of music ends up looking like a coral reef, with the newest and most important artists poking their way up to the surface. Eventually everything is ovverrun and there are more important people struggling to find the air.

-------

As far as tefosav is concerned, there are a lot of business oriented shits that are floating through my head. The attack plan, how we are going to make money --- all of this crazy crazy crazy shit.

have to figure out something. have to figure out a way to find an open door and go through it.

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must think.

too tired.

***
open. close. plates.
***

current mood: exhausted

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